Saturday, September 16, 2006


I have 12 posts sitting in the box that I started and never finished because I honestly cannot come up with a single reason why anyone would want to read anything I might write. Obviously I must not have felt this way for the first two years of keeping this blog. But that's not the case anymore. Why? This is an honest and sincere question.

And what do I do about it?

ADDENDUM: I just went back and found a post I wrote a little more than 2 years ago. It's strikingly similar to what I feel today. I could trace my feelings on that day to a specific thing that happened. There is no one thing that I can attribute this to today. Actually, I do have a few ideas of things that, in aggregate, may have contributed. But when one is dispossessed of the belief that any of it matters, one is generally disinclined to write about it.

BTW, I do know that a remarkably beautiful handful of you show up here pretty regularly, presumably just in case something new has shown up. That amazes me and I truly love you for that.


Anonymous Sophmom said...

I've been really "stuck" too, Lisa. I'm not sure why, but I've been crediting it to being back in the grind and having The Youngest back in school, with not a whole lot to look forward to (like the geek dinner and RT were for a while).

I do keep telling myself that I didn't start my blog for readers, but rather for myself, because I needed to write. I keep reminding myself that I do it for me and will say what I feel like needs sayin' when it feels right, and if that means I go quiet from time to time for a bit, then so be it.

In your linked post, you wrote:
"I find the most beauty in flaws revealed. In the unglamorous weaknesses that are undisguised and undenied. In the naturalness of who we are as human beings struggling to find our way home."

Well said if you ask me. Peace, darlin'. I hope you're feeling better soon.

5:05 PM  
Anonymous Ray Ward said...

There's another handful who read the RSS feed. Not sure whether that shows up on your stats.

6:08 PM  
Blogger Richard said...

It's not us who are beautiful Lisa, it is you. We come around to see what you have to say because we care, and we care becuase your are an insightful and remarkable woman. I feel like I have gotten to know you through your posts, and I like the person whom I've seen revealed in your writing. I suspect that the reason you write is the same reason we read, to learn more about you.

It is often the unconscious reason that most people blog or journal, to help themselves clarify what they are thinking, to work out those issues that they are struggling with below the surface, and allow the writing process to sift the thoughts to the top. As for why you are having diffeculty posting, I will offer my own refections on why I seem to be communicating less with friends. It may be that things are overwhelmingly hard right now, and thinking and clarifying issues doesn't seem to help, things are still too diffecult to even articulate with out kvetching. I know I don't want to hear myself kvetch, let alone image why somebody else would. I don't know if this reasoning applys to you, but it maybe that is why I am so eager to find out what is going on with you and what your thinking. I can see in what you say the clarity that I am seeking for myself, and I am hungery for that common bond of knowing that others are struggling through thier own ordeals, and are still able to survive somehow. And in reading about that I feel mybe I can survive my own struggles.

Maybe I am processing too much of my own stuff here, but hey what are friends for, right?

10:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I think it was the reminder of the need to censor my thoughts, to stifle my spontaneity and to hold back the 99% of what makes me tick that is of no interest to the one who claims to have interest in me."

I could have written that.
Can you ever really know another person? No. I've been mulling this exact subject in my head for a while now. One day I'll post.

11:10 PM  
Blogger LisaPal said...

Thanks, Sophmom. I read your last post twice because parts of it resonated with things I've been feeling. Gentilly Girl expressed the feeling of being out of touch with "self," too. That's, in a way, how I feel.

Thanks to you too, Ray. My whole crisis thing isn't about how many people come here and read this blog, but about why anyone would. If I invert the question, it seems really absurd that I would even ask this. But there's some issue of value going on with me and perhaps that's the more problematic and serious thing --I can't seem to find anything that gives me a sense of my own intrinsic value.

And Richard, oh Richard, how well you know me, for you really nailed it with the kvetching thing. And you also made me feel valued and I cannot thank you enough for that. I'd write more right now, but Renard is waiting for me and I've got to get going. But I think I can continue this...

Thank you all. When I say I love you guys, and I mean all of you, not just the commenters, you cannot imagine the sincerity and depth of my heart from which it comes. Thank you.

11:14 PM  
Blogger LisaPal said...

Oh, Mermaid, your comment must have gone up at the same time as mine. I'll have to address this tomorrow, but it's comforting to know someone else has experienced this. (Though I wish no one ever had to.)

11:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking personally, there seems to be 2 prevelant emotions right now. Despair and Rage. Rage is hard to maintain, it is like a fire. When it burns out I am in a despair. So the question remains what to do. Try and replace despair with joy? Not sure if it is as easy as wanting it. Being a vacant parent adds to the despair. My only antidote is knowing it will pass.

8:56 AM  
Anonymous Sophmom said...

Richard, for me, there's nothing "below the surface" about it. I most definitely write to "allow the writing process to sift the thoughts to the top" when I'm struggling (which seems to be most of the time).

It's the beauty of online relationships to me: community based on ideas. See, Lisa, when we least expect it, kabam! With this one post you've unleashed this great discussion, struck this chord in all of us! Thank you.

We love you too.

1:23 PM  
Blogger Tim said...

It's been more than a week since my last post, partly because I'm just so damn busy, partly because nothing creative is coming right now, partly because I'm just too damn busy to be creative I suppose...

Ultimately all things in due time.

As a very famous book notes, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance..."

And I would add: a time to blog and a time to be silently contemplative.

Peace, we'll be here when you're ready.


1:35 PM  
Anonymous Ingrid said...

I look forward to reading your blog because you're a friend whom I love and care a lot about. You're an intelligent, thoughtful woman and I will never forget how good you were to me.

1:37 PM  
Blogger Thomas said...

Just write what ever is on your mind without the slightest concern that your thoughts and or opinions might irritate or otherwise annoy someone. Or if you’re in the mood to be nice; then go that route, what ever you do remember you are expressing the bloggers prerogative to change his or her mind.

To post or not to post hmmm I think I shall post

3:06 PM  
Anonymous ashley said...

Lisa, you get more comments on your "I have nothing to say" post than many (including me) get on real posts.

We know who is the star here.

12:40 AM  
Blogger mominem said...


I have 30+ half-ass posts waiting for something. Most are personal history no one is interested in but me.

Let it fly. I'll read it.

1:01 AM  
Blogger Richard said...

I SOOOOO have to agree with ashley, I think if you didn't comment on some of my posts Lisa I think I might have 16 comments all totalled for my entire 2+ years of blogging.

2:29 AM  
Blogger judyb said...

It is often the unconscious reason that most people blog or journal, to help themselves clarify what they are thinking, to work out those issues that they are struggling with below the surface, and allow the writing process to sift the thoughts to the top.

Well said, Richard.

I think that's why most people blog. I know I do for that reason.

Lisa, I come here daily too. I like your point of view.

11:53 AM  
Blogger muse said...

Like Richard said... LOL (hey, if someone says it much better than I could, why reinvent the wheel?) ;)

And also, I just care about you and like to know what is going on with you, _really_. I mean, not just the happy face that we put on in some social contexts ("Hi, how are you?" - "Fine, thank you"... even though that might be the furthest thing from the truth, or even though we may be super thrilled about something but may feel like it would be silly to share such an enthusiasm).

I love you because you are you, and genuine. :)

P.S. Love the new background, very nice!

1:45 PM  
Blogger LisaPal said...

Finally, a few spare minutes. Sigh.

What a loveable group of people you all are! I feel so much better. Thank you so much. I mean that in a way far beyond the words.

I clearly have some issues going on and I've been trying to dig a little deeper into it. And guess what? I think I'll actually post it.


6:12 PM  

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