Escape From The Crab Nebula
Indifferent (More or Less), Part 1
indifferent (adjective)- of no importance or value one way or the other; marked by a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern for something.
Of the seven variants, I chose the definition most appropriate for this evening.
I've been avoiding this subject for several months, but only because I didn't want to become the girl who cried wolf. I've made a few cryptic allusions to trouble in my relationship with Renard and I posted once about what looked like an impending break up that soon resolved itself. This scene has been repeated several times since then. Lately, things have become so tempestous and ill-defined that I've taken to calling the relationship The Crab Nebula. (Imagine how crabs behave around each other- that's us now.) But I think I've finally had enough of the spikes and barbs, the grayness and the ever-present eggshells strewn everywhere that I've had to so carefully navigate.
To wit: I have been very cautious and measured when I've presented the situation in my posts, just as I've had to be with almost every damned thing I've said and done in this relationship. But tonight, I speak as I please, because I am riding in with the Fourth Horseman of the Relationship Apocalypse: Indifference.
Renard and I have paradigm differences. I've mentioned that before. I will present some of the most significant tonight and in future posts. Tonight's entry will certainly reflect my irked and indifferent state.
Paradigm Difference #1- Love
Lisa's Paradigm: "Real love is unconditional." This means you accept the other as (s)he is and allow the other be him/herself, whatever that happens to be. This is possible because you fell in love with the authentic person, not some "idea" of the person that was crafted in your mind as the perfect solution to your own unmet needs. Therefore, there is never a need to "fix" or alter the other. The light of real love blinds you to what might have been considered "flaws," and actually allows you to love the other for those flaws, because that's just part of what makes your beloved who (s)he is. If you can't give the other person the a freedom to be the truth of who (s)he is, then you are willing to let him/her go so that (s)he's open and available to experience such love with someone who can give it. After all, what you want for the person you truly love is his/her happiness and whatever is necessary for his/her highest good.
Renard's Paradigm: "When someone really loves you, they want to make you happy, and if you really love someone, you should help that person improve him/herself." Never mind that this need for improvement is based only on your own perception. Just take the narcissist's position and assume that your perception is the "truth," and everyone would naturally agree with you. So you should tell your beloved all the things that you don’t like about him/her so that, in his/her awareness of how much you dislike those things, (s)he can change them to please you and make you happy, and ultimately, everyone else as well. This will give your beloved a happier life because (s)he will now be more pleasing to be around, and therefore more loveable to everyone. Let's not address the issue of whether or not the object of your love also sees the offending traits as problematic flaws, nor whether or not (s)he has had others express the same grievances. It doesn't matter if the offending traits have never really been problematic for your beloved before. Nor should it matter if the object of your love is happy with him/herself just as (s)he is. You will simply have to demoralize your beloved and undermine that sense of confidence. But it will be well worth it, because after all, it's your happiness and how you feel that really matter.
Since it's after 5:00 AM, I'll stop here and elaborate in the next post on what all this means in context and on the thing that irked me to the limit tonight.