Saturday, September 18, 2004

Signs of Life?

Dull and gray. I look at my posts and I see more gray than the dry clouds that Ivan spread across the sky two days ago. I don't see life, as I know it. Something pushes me forward and holds me back at the same time. Approach-avoidance.

I came to the land of the blogs with a secret mission and immediately abandoned it. I was supposed to become unrestrained here. But because I didn't hide my identity, I've just been hiding behind whatever I think that identity is supposed to mean. Not that what you've seen isn't real. It's just that I've dared to go about a layer or so deeper than the piece of life "found" in the previous post. I've been away from certain parts of myself for so long that I can't seem to remember how to navigate the terrain.

I feel like I have been holding back, carefully crafting my thoughts and words, sidestepping things that matter to me, that hurt me, that move me, and polishing other ideas to make them gleam acceptably. As I typed the previous sentence, it suddenly struck me. It's an ongoing theme. I see it again and again, and it brings me great sorrow, brings the world great sorrow every day. It holds me back from you, whoever you are. I've learned its truth so well that I dare not invite it by being wrecklessly free.

Judgment Kills Beauty.

I know this. I've seen such beautiful things killed by the hands of judgment. (I'll write more about this in another post.) I've seen parts of myself killed by it. Without realizing it, I've embraced that lesson and carefully doled out only that which I felt would not provoke Judgment to draw his sword. And in doing so, I now realize that I simply took the sword from his hand and turned it on myself.

I was inspired to enter this blog-world by my friend's own irreverent and often brutal self-inspection-put-on-display and I love him all the more for his bravery in taking the chance of being loved less for his revelations. (This is how it should be, say I!) I explored other lives revealed out here and found more inspiration, great inspiration from a young woman who reminded me of so many things I needed to remember about what it means to be alive, truly alive, painfully alive, and the struggle to stay that way. She is in some ways me and in many ways, so much more than I am. I'm truly humbled and also ashamed of my own cowardice, of allowing so much of myself to slip away, of forgetting who I am and of failing to love myself completely, without condition.

Unconditional love fills every space, so there is no place for Judgment. It cannot exist where unconditional love resides. How wonderful would this world be if we all gave what we most wanted to receive?

I haven't expressed this before, but I have thought it and said it to myself so many times. There are a handful of us who read each others blogs and sometimes comment. We seem to be pretty loyal, which I interpret to mean we care about each other, for whatever reason. And the reason doesn't really matter. It's just remarkable. It's a microcosmic slice of humanity at its best. It means something.

Thanks to you all for moving me so.


Blogger Richard said...

Wow!. Very well written and truely moving. You took the time to craft a post and share something meaningful from inside yourself. and in presenting it to us on the outside we can hold it up as a mirror to ourselves. Thank you. (maybe now you'll post that 9/11 piece you wrote).

1:55 PM  
Blogger Lasciate said...

I agree with Richard.

And it does mean something, and something important.

Don't be too hard on yourself, though. I mean, tomorrow is another day, and you can still make this blog whatever you like.

4:46 PM  
Blogger LisaPal said...

Thanks, both of you. This blog will surely continue to be whatever it wants to be and I'll let it be so.

I'm coming to realize that I've reluctantly censored so much of myself in my off-line life, that I'm doing it all the time now, even here, in the one place I wanted to be free from that.

As far as my 9-11 thoughts, I would have to work pretty hard to bring the thoughts into focus better. The last paragraph that I did publsh really said it better than all the words that came before it. There were some thougts worth sharing, but I'll break it all into more manageable bites. I need to develop that skill, anyway.

Thanks again for the kind expressions, and for everything,

5:14 AM  

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