Sunday, September 19, 2004

Better Than That

Originally uploaded by LisaPal.
Kids are asleep and I'm alone this Saturday night. I had pictures ready to post. I had topics to address. I'd been thinking about all of it. (And when I do, I find that I now think in "blog prose" instead of just ideas with no form or sentence structure. Now, there is a narrator who steps in and writes the thing in my head.) Anyway, I was all ready and then something brought me downstairs to my poor, neglected project studio where I endeavored to tighten up a not-too-bad song I'd thrown together last weekend when I had a couple of hours alone. I ventured into that task just the littlest bit and then something better happened.

I discovered my piano again. I turned off all the lights and sat there with my eyes closed. I put my hands on the keys and I stopped thinking. My fingers did things that sounded beautiful. Some things were incredibly simple and abstract, others were complex. There were combinations of sounds so strikingly beautiful in their simplicity. The rich tone of the piano flowed through me. The sustained resonance of one single note was enough to make my heart feel as if it would burst through my chest. I didn't interfere.

I continued to let my fingers move across the keys as they wished and I listened to what they did. At one point, I heard Antonio Carlos Jobim. Magnificent Jobim. Perhaps my most beloved modern composer. My fingers were not perfect in their execution, but they were playing things they had never played before. I just let them go.

Before long, I felt a fire in the center of my chest, followed by hot tears streaking down my face. I didn't really understand them, nor did I try. I just felt in them a sweet, sweet kind of pain, as if something had been set free, something that had been unjustly locked away, having committed no crimes but was banished anyway. It was one of my many pieces of banished self. It knew the sorrow of being forgotten and the joy of being remembered and I felt both at once.

I sat there in the dark for over an hour and I just let whatever was inside come out in the sweet sounds of hammered strings. More Jobim. More sweet pain, for it's hard to detach his music from a certain time in my life where I came to know love in its most pure form, and while lost in the ecstasy of it, didn't notice that I was being wrapped in the razor wire of all that is not love in the world. I made it out alive but I nearly bled to death and I still bear scars and occasionally discover wounds that I believed were healed.

The last thing I found myself playing (and I never would have pulled this one from my conscious mind) was "Where Is Love," a song I barely know but heard covered many years ago. I had to look it up to discover that it was from the play, "Oliver," with which I am completely unfamiliar. Generally, when things happen this way, it's my "higher mind" trying to tell me something. I'm pretty sure I know what it is. I just haven't wanted to look at it.

I will look no closer tonight. I haven't made it to bed before 6:00 AM in days. If I stop now, I can get to bed before 5:00 AM, which means I might get as many as 5 hours sleep without interruption. Yippee! And goodnight.


Blogger Lasciate said...

It sounds like an exciting time in your life right now. Not events, really...just exciting being you, the essence of it, you know... I suspect that can't be anything but good.

12:15 PM  
Blogger Richard said...

It's like watching you emerge from a crystallis. Fly butterfly, spread your wings. By the way, I LOVE your water drop pictures, do you post them as a collection anywhere? If not you should.

1:35 PM  
Blogger LisaPal said...

Thank you! I've been uploading the pictures in dribbles (Haha!) on Flickr but I still have lots more to go. I'll be dribbling more of them here, too and maybe I'll put the whole collection up on my web site.

I do feel like I'm moving through another cycle of some sort. I just hope I'm growingeach time and not running in circles...

11:31 PM  
Blogger Oliver said...

Lisa--I am really impressed by the your bloggibilities. I decided a few weeks ago that I had no more axes to grind with Saudi Arabia or Baton Rouge--two places that have more in common than you could ever imagine--and set out to blog only about each day's favorite moment. So far, I aint had many. Then , I've been busy, veddy busy. Thakns for keping my old blog listed. I'm going to link it to my new one: I've also taken the old posts from Saudimized and am putting them in an archived blog called the past imperfect.

Keep posting. You're a good read.

7:38 PM  

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